Sweet little, perfect Ashton came into my life just days before my 25th birthday. He is a blessing, so fresh from God, so pure and fragile. He depends on me for every need, every waking moment. That complete dependency endeared me to the child who was here, in my arms. At the same time, that responsibility made me question my own capabilities. He cried a lot. I tried everything. I tried everything. I AM trying EVERYTHING I can think of. A lot of remedies have worked. Previced, Sleep training, binkis, baby bjorn, no more chocolate, no more broccoli, tummy time, gas drops, more naps, earlier bedtimes, incline. The list goes on. But it is in those hours of fussing that I question myself. When the circles under my eyes were wearing darker and darker, when my daily responsibilities were left undone. How do other women do this? How come I can't figure out how to meet my own baby's needs? What is wrong with me? And yes, even thought a couple of times... I guess I can't do this after all.
However, it was in THAT moment... in those times I felt I might actually be crazy, and indeed incapable, that God sends quiet miracles, little angels, and sometimes big messages that He is still in charge.
Today I was loading Mary into the car while explaining that we were going to get the car washed. I told her it was going to be loud, trying to prevent her from having a melt-down. She responded in a sad voice,
"Scared." and then, "Me. Scared?"
"Yes, Mary, it might be scary, but-"
"Mommy." It was like a whole sentence in one word. She pointed to her hand and said, "Hand, Mommy, Hand." Trying to interpret an almost 2 year old can be challenging,
"You want me to hold your hand?" I asked.
"Yeah." "Okay. Me. Okay."
Doesn't that sound so simple? So wonderfully simple? Mary won't be scared if she can hold my hand. She will be okay.
This Holiday season I felt God's outstretched hand to me. I felt the simple comfort he sent through moments like the car wash with Mary. I felt His outstretched hand through a trusted friend's words when I realized that God doesn't expect us to be perfect in our relationships, or in our responsibilities. I knew what she said was true, that's why he sent us here... it's to figure out we CAN'T do this alone, that we NEED him. I felt comfort in the home of my own parents, and in the company of my brothers and sisters. I felt okay again as I spent quality time with my husband, my in-laws, and my friends. I think Mary summed up perfectly the healing I felt this holiday...
Scared. Mommy Hand. Mommy Hand. Ok. Me. Ok.
I am okay. I am refreshed. I am ready. I can do this mother-of-two business. On days when I feel I can't, I will remember these past few weeks, and Mary's simple phrases. There are hands to hold all around me. And they feel warm. And they make it all okay.
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*Post Edit:
I'm really not trying to be a "debbie downer." I have been close to deleting this post about 10 times for many reasons... was I too personal? Does this sound like a pity call? Do I sound ungrateful? etc.
But your kind comments and gestures to me since I posted last week have me feeling very grateful for loved ones who are sincere, and who are real. Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for your love. My hope is that God will send his angels to you to lift you when you are down as He has to me. Thank you.
love, love, love,
Lisa
11 comments:
Lisa this post was beautiful. We really should talk. You are amazing and I know it's hard to realize that sometimes when you are down, but please know I love you tons and tons!! And I died over how cute your kids are on that Christmas card. I showed all of my nanny family "Look how cute my friends kids are!!" :)
This is so precious Lisa. You are an amazing writer and do such a good job of putting your feelings into words. I'm sure we'll all experience those feelings at one time or another and we'll turn to you for support. Thanks for sharing. You have an amazing spirit. Love you Lis!
Wow, you have me into tears! You have a so many changes these last few months, and you are doing so well! You are learning and growing and becoming the person God would have you be-through those quiet moments that seem so hard-HE is truly holding your hand and guiding you. And so are the angels that surround your home! I love you and and so happy we got to be together and just feel loved this holiday season!
Lisa...you are amazing! Love you!
you really get more beautiful as time goes on lis! you have so much depth and i truly admire the way you honestly and courageously tackle life. it's okay to be scared -- in fact, that's the only way we can become brave.
i love you more and more everyday! send my love to that wise little mary of yours. (and to your boys too!)
Lisa, I think every mother can relate to what you so beautifully put into words.
Hang in there. You're doing a great job. You're an incredible mother. (And sister!)
xoxo
Lisa you are awesome. I can't really think of the eloquent response I want to so I'll just say that. I've been meaning to call you forever, I will soon. Love you and your family!
Tears in my eyes. THIS is why you are needed in blog world. Because your words inspire people. Some people need these words. Some people like ME. Thanks for sharing lis, you CAN do this. And my hand will always be there for you to hold. I love you.
Oh Lisa, you are such a dear. What insight and hard lessons you are learning. These are the moments that endear your little ones to you forever (even through puberty and beyond)!! Nothing can take away a mother's love because in those countless hours of service and sacrifice you carve out a place for them in your soul. Love you, you're a great mommy.
Lis,
Thank you so much for writing this. Your words are real and they are beautiful. You have a peaceful way of writing, even about hard things.
I'm so sorry these last few months have been SO hard.
I honestly don't even know what the best thing to say is. I hope it is all better! Love you and we need to catch up soon! xoxo
Hello my love!! Just barely catching up on the blogs and I just want to come give you the biggest hug!!! I totally know how you feel and I only have one child! You really are so strong and are so amazing to be able to put your thoughts and feelings down and share it with all of us. Love ya!!
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