Last night I had a discussion with Jon about our Summer plans. Every year, I long for summer. I wait and wait and wish that it was here, and April and May usually bring a lot of excitement (and disappointment when the weather teases me). And with summer so close I can taste the smoky BBQ and snow cones, I can smell the coconut oil and sunscreen, and I can picture my sun-kissed skin and walks in the cool evenings... I HAVE to make plans. Summer wouldn't be summer without a trip to Lake Powell. Without a trip to the beach. Summer wouldn't be summer without spending some of it away from home, in the company of friends and family.
It is these summer luxuries that I long for, and that I miss when the ground is too cold to walk around barefoot and the sky is too grey to hold any warmth. Being cooped up inside with a baby all winter long, isn't good for my psyche. (Why not? Well, she IS a joy of course, but...) Saying that my happiness during the 5 months of cold depends solely on my summer activities might be pushing it, but it might not.
So then comes the summer plans. I know that my expectations are unrealistic. They are. I admit it. But I can't seem to shake them. This schedule seems perfect... start out the summer with a trip to Lake Powell with family and friends. Celebrate no ASU hanging over Jon's head during his 6 week summer break with a trip to the beach, just the 3 of us... take Mary to Sea World and spoil her rotten before her brother arrives in the fall. Stay home for a month and live up the 4th of July festivities and lots of pool time. Head back to Lake Powell for a reunion of ALL of my beloved siblings, and pack the week full of new memories to last us until next time we can see one another. Come home, be home for a little while and make the trip back to Newport to spend each waking hour with the Crosby grandparents and cousins and aunts and uncles that we NEVER see outside of summer. Walk on the beach every night. Eat fresh donut holes every morning, if we want. Stay up late and talk. And then come home. Stay home. And bask in the wonderful memories we will treasure for the rest of the year.
Exhausted? You say? Too much traveling, you say? Maybe. Maybe it IS too much. Maybe it IS. Daunting, as Jon put it. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Why do we have to leave in order to have a fun summer? We don't.
But actually, we kind of do. And here's why. My new life as a mother is better than I imagined it would be. It really IS wonderful. The only problem is, that I am inside of my house for 80% of my life. Little ones need sleep... and LOTS of it. They require care and attention that doesn't facilitate a life on the go. My life is here, in this beautiful home that my husband provides for us. My responsibilities don't ever go away here... clothes are ALWAYS getting dirty. Beds need making EVERY day. Dust gathers. Toilets flush. Mouths need to eat... a lot. My home is wonderful, yes, but my home is also my work. Escape from this daily routine is something I find to be rejuvenating, rewarding, and yes, relaxing. And no. Not daunting.
Ok, I do understand where he is coming from, I do. My responsibilities are HERE, his responsibilities allow me to be HERE.
So now we are in a predicament, aren't we?
"Yes, I understand how you feel. No, I don't feel that way. At all."
This is the sentence that ended our planning session. It could have come from either of our mouths, because that's what the reality is.
I don't need to get down about it, I know summer will have sun, no matter what sky I am under. Because THAT is where I plan to be... outside, underneath the big, warm, sky.
I guess I just hope that while I am outside, I will be joined by loved ones, in beautiful places.
That's my dilemma. It's not really a BIG deal. No, not REALLY. But kind of.
Home for the summer? Or away? Which one of those questions is really DAUNTING?
